If a Friend Bills You $4 for a Favor, Are They Really a Friend?

Surprise Venmo requests are souring relationships and revealing just how closely some of us keep score

By Dalvin Brown of The WSJ. Excerpts:

"Payment apps that allow us to send money seamlessly are turning us into each other’s accountants, itemizing charges from a $3 coffee to a $60 theater ticket. Tools like Venmo, PayPal and Splitwise make it easy to ask friends to chip in for a pizza or an outing—and pressures the one who always promises to pay you back to actually do so—but few things can sour a friendship faster than an unexpected bill. 

“It’s a shock when you get the PayPal request, and you’re like, ‘What? How much was that?’” said Myka Meier, founder of Beaumont Etiquette, a New York-based etiquette consulting firm. “That can be awkward for both people.” 

Friendships, no matter how old or treasured, always contain some degree of scorekeeping and payback. After covering the check at dinner or hosting people for a cookout, it’s reasonable to expect guests will reciprocate. 

The impersonal nature of after-the-fact Venmos, especially when the person seeking repayment never mentioned they would send a bill, have people rethinking what’s a friendly gesture, and what’s a billable cost.

Venmo, Splitwise and other apps let users nudge each other with reminders of outstanding bills. Venmo’s transactions tab, PayPal’s and Cash App’s activity menus and Splitwise’s home screen keep users’ debts visible for months or more, making it hard to forget when someone owes you money, or when you owe them."

"Most people pay their debts promptly, said PayPal, which owns Venmo. This year through June, more than 78% of users who received a money request fulfilled it on the same day, while 17% paid within five days. Some 4.5% took longer, or allowed requests to expire. PayPal requests expire after 60 days; Venmo’s don’t expire. 

Payment apps have been around for years. PayPal dates back to the dot-com boom, making it as old as a Gen Z user. There are 90 million U.S. Venmo users, and Pew Research survey data showed 57% of 18- to 29-year-olds reported using it. The code of conduct is still being worked out."

"Technology has removed that barrier, making it easier to nickel-and-dime friends and acquaintances. One point of debate among users is when a request seems reasonable, and when it seems miserly.

Social media is full of people irked over trivial Venmos. A Reddit post last year fuming about a weekend guest who sent her host a request for $1 for a muffin, among other small items, generated about 1,800 comments. Many commenters said it was cheap, passive-aggressive behavior.

Payment requests of $5 or less are considered rude by 72% of people ages 16 to 26, according to an April survey by the payments service Cash App.

And then there are the diners who magnanimously order something “for the table” without telling their dining companions they’re on the hook."

It isn’t just the money; it’s the surprise that makes us recoil. 

People often avoid uncomfortable financial topics to sidestep feelings of shame. So rather than discussing costs openly, people defer to digital requests—even though that can backfire when the recipient is blindsided, said Meier, the etiquette expert. She advises talking it through. 

It isn’t just the money; it’s the surprise that makes us recoil. 

People often avoid uncomfortable financial topics to sidestep feelings of shame. So rather than discussing costs openly, people defer to digital requests—even though that can backfire when the recipient is blindsided, said Meier, the etiquette expert. She advises talking it through. 

“Be upfront early: ‘Here’s what we’re buying, and here’s how we’re splitting it,’” Meier said.

Sending payment requests promptly is another way to avoid pitfalls."

Related posts:

More on the social aspects of Venmo (2018) 

Is Venmo Affecting Friendships? (2017)

Yes, You Can Have Too Many Friends (2009)

You Think You’re Doing Fine in Life, Until You Hear a Friend Is Doing Better (2024)

Who Pays on the First Date? No One Knows Anymore, and It’s Really Awkward (2017)

If It Pays To Have Friends, Can You Pay To Have Friends? (2013)

The Incredibly True Story of Renting a Friend in Tokyo (2020)

Would You Pay $250,000 To Get Your Friends' Respect? (2011)

Excerpt: But here is something interesting about one student, who is now $250,000 in debt:

"Mr. Wallerstein, for his part, is not complaining. Once you throw in the intangibles of having a J.D., he says, he is one of law schools' satisfied customers.

"It's a prestige thing," he says. "I'm an attorney. All of my friends see me as a person they look up to. They understand I'm in a lot of debt, but I've done something they feel they could never do and the respect and admiration is important.""